Warning: Mature content.
Thanks for coming back to talk with me! Let’s continue my story of same-sex attraction.
Trying to end the relationship with Heather was hard. More than hard. It was the most excruciatingly painful season of my life. This is not because I knew I was sinning and simply chose to do it anyway; it’s because I truly loved Heather, and she truly loved me.
I knew it was not what God wanted, but it seemed absolutely impossible for me to stop.
However, that didn’t stop Jesus. Again, I remembered His love for me—and again, I was reminded He had a better way.
I could hardly believe this was true. “Don’t You know what I’m doing?” I journaled at Him. “Why don’t You just squash me and start over?” Clearly, I was the worst Christian in the world. How did He not see that?
One sunny afternoon, I should have been outside. I should have been doing homework—or anything else except what I was doing.
“Laurie,” God reminded me, “I love you.” I could feel it this time—deep into the core of my wounded heart. The foggy haze of self-hatred lifted. I knew Jesus saw everything I was doing, but He didn’t want to pummel me. He loved me right in the middle of my struggle.
For about two minutes, I believed it. Then the curtain of shame fell back in place.
In this season, I met a man named Matt. Somehow, we began dating. Through that relationship, I ended things permanently with Heather. I thought I had won my struggle of same-sex attraction, but when Matt and I broke up, the desires for a relationship with a woman came back even stronger.
I did not feel I could go on. I couldn’t stop my struggle, but I knew I could not dive headfirst into the homosexual lifestyle with this annoying, persistent voice telling me there was another way. What are You talking about? I was frustrated with God. I’m already a Christian, but I still struggle!
I decided I only had two choices: Dive headfirst into the homosexual lifestyle without Jesus, or kill myself.
Then a third choice came to my mind.
“Jesus loves you, Laurie,” a confidante’s words popped in my head. “He loves you like the best mother, father, husband, and lover you could ever meet. And the most wonderful part is He is closer than your very breath. He never leaves you.”
Could this be true? I wondered. Have I been a Christian this whole time and not actually experienced the tender, gentle, never-leaving love of Jesus? Could He really fill this gaping hole in my chest?
I did not know for sure, but could it hurt to try?
“Nooooo!” I screamed aloud in my apartment. “No! I will not die, and I will not dive in!” The tears flowed freely down my face. “Jesus!” I looked Him squarely in the face in my mind’s eye. “You say You are the lover of my soul. You say You can meet all my needs. . .” I told Him I desperately needed Him to show up. I held Him to His Word.
I wanted to know that Jesus was more than a happy song sung on Sunday mornings. I wanted to know that He could actually heal me.
And I could hardly believe it when He did.
Jesus didn’t “fix” me. I still struggle with same-sex attraction. But believe me, dear sister, it did get easier. How? Let’s finish the story next time.
Until then, let me know if you ever wanted something you knew was not good for you, but couldn’t seem to control your desires for it. What was it?
Talk to you soon!