I’m Falling in Love with an Atheist

Note: A girl just emailed me asking for advice. “I’m falling in love with an atheist” she explained. The man she’s falling for just happens to be her dance partner, causing her to interact with him several times a week. Knowing that she’s not the only girl who has fallen for someone who doesn’t share her faith, she graciously agreed to let me share my response with you.

Dear “I’m falling in love with an atheist,”

I am so glad you wrote. Please don’t read this letter with a harsh, condemning tone, but with an urgent, pleading one. I am deeply concerned for you. If this letter feels like I’m dumping a bucket of cold water on your head, it’s because I want you to wake up.

Let’s start with who a Christian is.

An atheist and a Christian are not compatible.

A Christian is a person who is now one with Christ. A Christian has been rescued by Jesus out of the darkness of sin and has been brought into His marvelous light—transformed from the inside out. A Christian has the spirit of Christ living inside of them! A Christian is someone whose entire identity has been refashioned around Christ. Christ is their life. Christ is the reason they are now accepted and beloved by God the Father.

An atheist, on the other hand, denies that God even exists. An atheist is a God-hater, just as you and I were until God graciously opened our “eyes” to our need to be forgiven and cleansed of our sin, to be reconciled to our Creator, and to be given an “alien” righteousness so we could live with a holy God forever.

An atheist and a Christian are not compatible. How do I know this?

Well, years ago, the apostle Paul wrote to the Christians in Corinth, urging them not to enter into any kind of a close partnership with an unbeliever. After telling them not to be “unequally yoked with unbelievers” (picture an ox and a donkey trying to plow a straight row together . . . fail! It won’t happen—they’ll each want to do their own thing), Paul peppered them with the following questions:

  • “What partnership has righteousness with lawlessness?
  • “What fellowship has light with darkness?
  • “What accord has Christ with Belial (Satan)?
  • “What portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?
  • “What agreement has the temple of God with idols?
  • “For we are the temple of the living God; as God said,

    “‘I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you, and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty'” (2 Cor. 6:14–18).

One way we can apply this to our lives today is that we should not marry (and therefore we should not date or long to date) someone who is not wholeheartedly pursuing and delighting in God. King Solomon made this mistake, and we’re told in 1 Kings 11:4 that,

“His wives turned his heart after other gods; and his heart was not loyal to the LORD his God.”

You will have to choose between God and this man. You can’t have both. James warns,

“You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God” (James 4:4).

Let me be clear about this, though. If you choose God over this man, God will not love you any more than He already does. It won’t earn you extra points with God. If you truly trust in Christ Jesus as both your Savior and your Lord, you are already His 100% dearly loved child.

Does that mean that you have the freedom to date this man? No way! Besides, why would you want to, when Christ has revealed Himself to you as the greatest treasure there is—both in this life and for the life to come?

I get it that you have strong feelings toward this man. I’ve been where you are. And if you’re anything like me, my guess is that what you’re feeling isn’t true love, but something closer to romantic desire . . . and even maybe lust. I encourage you to:

  1. Explore whether you truly have been born again, and whether Jesus Christ really is both your Savior and your Lord (He can’t be one without being the other!).
  2. Tell an older, godly woman about your struggle. Be completely honest with her, and ask her to help hold you accountable.
  3. Break off your relationship with this guy. Stop dancing with him. Don’t text him. Run!
  4. Pursue Jesus through His Word. Get to know Him. Learn to enjoy Him the way He delights in you.

Praying for you,

Paula

About Author

Paula Marsteller

Paula no longer tries to catch guys' attention by swallowing live goldfish, arm wrestling, and jumping down flights of stairs. (She's married to a wonderful man now!) She spends her days caring for her son, Iren, and writing for Revive Our Hearts. She's the author of Confessions of a Boy-Crazy Girl: On Her Journey from Neediness to Freedom, and she and her family live in New York. You can catch all her writing on PaulaWrites.com.

HEY, GIRLS! We love hearing from you, but feel limited in the ways we can help. For one thing, we’re not trained counselors. If you’re seeking counsel, we encourage you to talk to your pastor or a godly woman in your life as they’ll know more details and can provide you with ongoing accountability and help. Also, the following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate. We may edit or remove your comment if it:

  • * Requests or gives personal information such as email address, address, or phone number.
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  • * Uses vulgar or profane language.

123 Comments

  1. Avatar Esther-Elaine

    Thank you for speaking the truth to young women (all women), Paula.

  2. Avatar Elizabeth Williams

    And when you think about, the whole purpose for marriage for a Christian is for you to glorify God with your relationship and serve Him together, which you definitely can’t do being married to someone who’s not a Christian. When you think about it, it doesn’t make sense AT ALL for a Christian to date/marry a non-Christian. However, many girls have bought into that lie from Satan and Satan has allowed them to be able to justify it in their minds and make it to where it doesn’t sound so bad after all.

  3. Avatar Caitriona

    Hey, atheist here. While I would certainly never presume to speak for all atheists, I don’t hate the very idea of there being a god, and I suspect most other atheists feel the same. I just…don’t think that it’s likely that there is one. For example, I doubt anyone here believes in reincarnation, but I doubt you’d say you hated the very idea of reincarnation being real.

    (BTW, should anyone wonder why an atheist is visiting this site, I’ve always found religions interesting, and I like reading about world views that are different from mine. Furthermore, I live in the Bible Belt, so evangelical Christianity is pretty much everywhere.)

    Anyway, I’m not here to argue or debate, but I did feel I should explain a bit what being an atheist actually entails.

    • Avatar A.Grace

      Hi! I wanted to thank you for joining the conversation! I for one am interested as to your opinion and am glad you’re joining us! I appreciate your point – you seem pretty open and I’m sure there are a lot of atheists like that. I think Paula is just saying, by definition, atheists believe – firmly – that there is NO God. That doesn’t mean they hate the idea of a God, so yeah, you’re absolutely right.

      His,
      A.Grace

    • Avatar Becca

      Hey Caitriona, thanks for your input, I appreciate you taking time to comment:) I don’t want to get into any arguments by any means, but I would like to just give you some food for thought: if there isn’t a God, then that would mean that there really is no purpose for anyone’s life, right? I mean, if we’re all just here by accident, what does it matter? when you take God out of the equation, there is no longer value in anyone’s life, or in the world. Why shouldn’t I be allowed to kill anyone I don’t like? because the government says so? But if we’re all just an accident, with no real purpose, it’s “just” another person with no eternal value. How CAN anyone have true value without God?

      On the flip side, we know for a fact that every human being (unborn or not), has value. Everyone has value because they were created in the image of a Holy God, and he loves us SO much! More than you could ever imagine! God cares about us so much that he even collects every tear we’ve ever cried and He keeps them! Thanks again for commenting:) I also agree with A. Grace:)

      ~Becca

      • Avatar A.Grace

        I hate to argue with YOU haha but I think her whole point in commenting was that we assume she’s believing something she’s not. We don’t know if she believes the world’s an accident. We don’t know if she’s in the middle of things or strongly believing something else. Please understand I’m not trying to hurt you or anything.

        A.Grace

        • Avatar Becca

          I guess I may have jumped the gun a bit! Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to assume, I was just specifically responding to what she said about it being unlikely that there is a God, and being unsure. I’m not trying to be high and mighty or anything, but I may have come across that way originally, and I apologize if I did.

          ~Becca

          • Avatar A.Grace

            No worries! I was just trying to say to you what I hope someone would point out to me . . . 😉 Don’t take that the wrong way tho lol!!

            A.Grace

      • Avatar katiehippie

        If you are headed to heaven, what is the purpose of life on earth? What’s the purpose of suffering? Does it get you to a better heaven? God cares about us SO much that children die of starvation every day? What’s the point of that? He collects all our tears? How about using some of his power to help people instead of letting them suffer? If he really loved us, he would take care of us.
        I’m not just being snarky, I’m really asking because I see no point in a god like that.

        • Avatar Becca

          Those are some pretty hefty questions! Ok, I’ll try to answer your questions as best as I can. The world got really messed up when sin entered it, and it has only gotten worse. we live in a fallen world, with death, sickness, terrorists, starvation, human trafficking, and other horrors. our purpose originally was to bring honor and glory to God, and while that may seem conceited and selfish, God DESERVES all of our praises because he is God, and he is good. God allows things to happen for a reason. Children die of starvation every day because OUR sin messed up the world. Sin is really ugly, and sometimes I live on a farm, I have sheep, I have precious, beautifully created lambs. I’ve stared of death right before my eyes. I have seen the death of babies that I care deeply about (you make a bond when you take care of animals), and sometimes, I don’t understand why God gives us the blessing of new life if he just takes it away again within a few days. I have wept over the loss of my sweet lambs, but I realize that it is sin, it’s ALL the cause of our fallen world and our own sinfulness. I also realize that God is God, he is good, and he still loves me, even if he allows bad things to happen to me. I trust him to do what is best, I know that he will work ALL things together for MY good and HIS glory (Romans 8:28). God certainly has the ability and power to set everything right at this very moment, but he has chosen not to. There is a countdown to when his son, Jesus, will return in all his glory and power and destroy all evil, conquer sin and Satan, and all those who believe in Christ will be in heaven with him for eternity. No one knows how long it will be until that day arrives, but we have hope in the fact that it will get better, but it’ll get a whole lot worse here on earth before that happens.

          We are all born into sinfulness, and when we accept Jesus Christ as our savior, he begins to work in us to make us more like him (kinder, more loving, gracious, less sinful), we are sanctified through Christ, and that sanctification process takes place all our lives until we die. No, it won’t get us into a “better” heaven, but while we are on earth we are commanded to do good works (to show how our faith is changing us). and when we do good works, we store up treasures in heaven.

          God does love us all deeply, but he gave us free will so that we could choose to love him instead of him forcing us to love him and just being mindless robots. But with that freedom comes the ability to choose to not love him. In our sinfulness, we have turned away from the love that God freely gives. God is willing to take care of us, but he’s not going to force himself on us. Those who have denied believing in God have basically said “nope, I don’t want your love or care God, leave me alone.” and so that is what he has done.

          ok, I really hope that all makes sense. Please keep in mind that I myself and in the midst of my own sanctification process, and I don’t have all the answers. Please let me know if there is anything that I have left unclear. sometimes I belabor one point so much that I forget to clarify something else! Thanks for asking, it really made me think more, and it’s helping me learn how to effectively defend my faith:)

          • Avatar katiehippie

            Sin in the world kills your sheep sometimes? I’ve never heard that one and I went to church for 45 years. Free will doesn’t consists of “follow me or you will be tortured forever” That isn’t really a choice. God decided what sin was and then sent himself to earth to die to appease himself so that he could give us the “choice” of believing or eternal torture. If god existed (there’s no proof) then I wouldn’t worship a being like that.

          • Avatar Becca

            it’s because of sin in the world that death exists, it’s because of sin that creatures have the ability to die. Sadly, not all churches teach truth. Many (but not all) Christians have become watered down in recent years, so having gone to church for years and years doesn’t really mean much unless it was a solid, truth-teaching church.

            the phrase “follow me or you will be tortured forever” is truly not characterized properly. It is NOT a threat, it is a warning. Say you were traveling down a path, and that path forked at one point. If one path lead to a huge drop-off that plummeted down thousands of feet into a gorge, you wouldn’t want to go there. If I were on the other path and asked you to join me (and by default save you from the path that lead to death), would you say that I’m threatening you by giving you that choice? Would you tell me that whoever made the path was cruel and horrible for allowing a path to form that possibly lead to death, and yet still walk that path? It’s certainly still a choice. But one is clearly wiser than the other. God never sends people to hell, they send themselves there through their own sins.

            Sin is evil, but evil really has no existence in itself, you can’t have a jar of evil for example. Evil is the absence of good. in order for us to be given a real choice between good and evil, there had to be something other then good to choose from. Another example might make more sense. A hole is just the absence of dirt. Darkness isn’t a thing, just the absence of light. Here is a really good article that I just found that explains this better: http://www.gotquestions.org/did-God-create-evil.html

            So we have the choice to accept good or reject it (evil). So God didn’t have to create evil, He created good, and evil was the absence of his created good.

            God didn’t send Jesus to “appease himself”, he did it because he loves us and desires for us to be with him forever. But God is holy, therefore he cannot dwell with sin, the sin in us separates us from God. It’s like we have a fine that we cannot pay no matter how hard we work, the payment is just to high. Because we messed we have to pay that fine or else we’ll be punished. But Jesus paid our fine, clearing our record before the judge, so now we are free from our debt and we can be with God.
            I’ll be praying for you:)

          • Avatar katiehippie

            Please don’t pray for me. It doesn’t work and so there’s no use. And it creeps me out.
            “God never sends people to hell, they send themselves there through their own sins.” Then why did he create it if he didn’t want people to go there. God made the rules, right? So he died (temporarily, nothing like eternal torment) to appease god, because Jesus is god, right? I figure if you are omnipotent, eternal judge of everything, you get to take the blame for everything, bad or good.
            You’ve just told me I was probably not a real christian and you’ve justified that bad things are ok because god thinks it’s ok. I don’t believe in god, I don’t believe that I was born a sinner. “sin” as defined by “god” doesn’t exist. All that exists is this world and how we treat other people. I treat other people well because it’s the right thing to do, not because I’m looking for favor from a god. Your god created you a sinner and then will punish you if you don’t repent.

          • Avatar Becca

            How did I say that bad things are ok? I honestly don’t know how you interpreted that. As far as you being a “real” Christian, I can only go off of what you post, I do not know you personally, all I know is that you are human just like me. Why is it the “right” thing to treat others well? Who makes the rules? What if I believe that I don’t like a group of people so I should kill them because I believe that’s the “right” thing to do? Who are you to tell me that that’s wrong if there is no higher power that we must all be held accountable to? Who defines right and wrong, justice and injustice? And what exactly do you mean by God needing to “appease” himself? Also, how does God take the blame for everything? The way you worded that doesn’t make sense to me, I don’t see the connection. A sin is just a word for anything bad that anyone does. If you say that you are not a sinner, then you are saying that you don’t do bad things. Ever. Even stealing a pencil in junior high is wrong. God originally created everything perfect, but when Adam and Eve sinned, their sin reverberated throughout all of their descendants (us). God doesn’t necessarily create us as sinners, we are born into it because of our sinful parents, and they were born into it through their sinful parents. It’s still free will, because of our sinful nature (meaning we desire sin, because sin is fun a lot of the time, like wanting to steal a cookie when mom said no). We can choose to do the right thing and repent of our sins and ask God to save us, or we can say that we don’t want his freely offered gift. Again, it’s still a choice, but one choice is better than another. There has to be justice, it would be wrong for God to give someone a free pass after sinning, they have to pay for the wrong things they do. the penalty for sin is death (because sin, doing bad things is a BIG deal). Sin can only be paid for through the shedding of blood, so God sent Jesus. It’s easy to just say “Jesus died”, but do you really know what crucifixion entails? To go through all the suffering and anguish, whips (with bits of metal woven in to rip the flesh), beatings, a crown of thorns being jammed onto your head and having the thorns dig into your skin and bleed, to have to carry a heavy wooden cross to your own death, to have huge metal spikes driven into your wrists and feet, between flesh and bones, to hang by only those for HOURS until you suffocate, and if you don’t die quick enough your legs are beaten with a club to break them so you can no longer press up on your heels to get a breath of air. Try to stop and think about “I can’t escape my sins, I’ve done wrong. I’ve lied and cheated and stolen and hurt people.” Because you’ve done those things, you deserve to go through every bit of that pain and suffering. I’ve done horrible sins, I deserve to go through ALL of that pain, down to the last detail, because my sins are a BIG deal. I cannot save myself from that. That’s why I desperately need Jesus! He went through all of that so you and I wouldn’t have to!

            What’s interesting to me is that you said that my praying for you creeped you out. If you truly believe that there is no God, that prayer really doesn’t work, than why should it creep you out? If I’m pretty much just talking to a wall, why does that affect you? Do you think it might be that deep down, you know there is “something” out there hearing me?

          • Avatar katiehippie

            God created us able to sin and then condemns us for it. You praying for me comes across as condescending. If god has a plan for everything, why do you think you can pray for something to change? Isn’t that going against god’s plan? Maybe it’s god’s plan for you to think about what you really believe.
            So you are ok with rape, murder and killing everyone on the planet except one family if god says so. Aren’t those bad things? All of that happened in the old testament. And yet, god wants to condemn you for thought crime? (thou shalt not covet blah blah) I don’t think there is something out there hearing you.

          • Avatar Becca

            My prayers are not at all meant to be condescending, I’m a horrible person just like everyone else on this planet. I pray for my own heart, as well as for the hearts of others. My prayer for you is that God will reveal himself to you, would you be willing to ask God for that yourself? In my own life, I want God to be able to use me to bless other people, if I pray for God to change someone’s heart, it may be his plan to change them, and he can accomplish that goal through my prayers. I’m not a pawn to be played with in God’s little game (that’s not how it works) I am his faithful servant who desires to honor God because he saved me.

            At the time of Noah, everyone on earth except for Noah’s family had completely succumbed to their evil desires, every want and desire of every man and woman’s heart was wicked. God said that he regretted creating man. Not in the sense that he made a mistake, but in the sense that he was sorrowful that they had fallen so far. So God decided to essentially give the earth a big bath to get rid of the evil generations, and start again with Noah’s family. But once again, sin and and evil are still around (and once again, this is the human condition, why we need Jesus).
            Just because something “happens” in the Bible doesn’t mean it’s right. There are so many sad, terrible things that are chronicled in the Bible, all of which are meant for us to learn from the mistakes of others. Rape isn’t right, God doesn’t say it’s right. There is condemnation for those who violate women.

            When the nation of Israel was entering the Promised Land, they did attack and kill the nations that were living there at the time. But think about this: who did the land belong to? God created the whole world, and so it was his land to do with as he pleased. I seem to have an analogy trend going so let’s have another one: I have a toy robot, and I let one of my friends use it for a little while. But when my best friend comes along, I want to let her use the robot. If the first friend doesn’t want to give the toy to my best friend, who is at fault? God was giving his land to the Israelites, and the people living there weren’t going to give it up.
            As far as thought crime, coveting is the insatiable desire to have what someone else has and/or what we are unable to attain. It is destructive because it causes us to be greedy, discontent, and willing to do whatever it takes to have what we desire, mostly relating to stealing. If I want my friend’s robot, I’ll just take it. My friend has a really great husband, I’ll start an affair so I can have him for myself. Coveting is the beginning of a vicious cycle that leads to more serious sins. Thoughts lead to actions, and by having self-control (a fruit of the Holy-Spirit) and controlling our thoughts, we can better control our actions.

          • Avatar katiehippie

            Religion has already revealed itself to me. It’s a lie, a sham perpetrated on people who are hurting and children who are impressionable. Why couldn’t god find a different, less violent and genocidal way to give land to his people? Can’t god do anything? If you really believe in god, you shouldn’t limit what he can do. He isn’t god-like if he has limits. He isn’t god-like if you can ask for what you want and he changes his plan for you. He isn’t god-like if he creates you able to ‘sin’ and then punishes you for doing what he made you capable of doing. A god like that is awful. I wish I had back all the years I spent believing in that nonsense.

          • Avatar Becca

            I’m sorry that that has been your experience with God, I wish that I was able to speak with you face-to-face. God could have done it another way had he chosen to. We see the world with a jaded view, God sees the whole picture, he has a holistic view of our world. He can do anything, but there are some things that he just chooses not to do. Here is another fantastic article that explains why God allows evil to occur: http://www.gotquestions.org/God-allow-evil.html

            It’s like when your parents give you a rule “don’t eat the cookie”, but then the cookie is sitting on the counter. You still have the choice to obey your parents and not eat the cookie, but they gave you the ability the disobey. If there wasn’t any cookie to eat, then there wouldn’t be any choice but to obey. But because the temptation is there, you can choose to obey, and it will mean much more. Just because your parents gave you the ability to disobey by leaving a cookie on the counter, doesn’t mean that they are cruel and heartless by punishing you when you eat the cookie anyway.

            Again, part of God’s plan includes us asking for things. He’s not a big Santa Claus, but he gives good gifts to his children (Matthew 7:11). And it’s not just asking for material things, it can be asking for strength, humility, grace, peace, comfort, anything! God always gives an answer, sometimes yes, sometimes no, sometimes wait.

            I’ve been raised to own my faith, to understand why I believe what I believe. I may have started out an impressionable child, but I am growing into a strong woman of faith. I think that it’s wrong to not challenge teens to own there faith. Because if you spoon-feed them their whole lives without making them find the truth of their own volition, they will question their faith and then feel lied to when they are unable to properly interpret scripture. They make sweeping statements, leading to rebelling against the faith they were raised in. I’m so thankful that my parents have challenged me to personally know my God. Are you saying that only weak, desperate people want religion? I have a head on my shoulders, I’m not chasing a fairy-tale. I don’t consider myself to be a “religious” person, I know that I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, there is a difference.

          • Avatar katiehippie

            I can pray to my cat and get the same result. Sometimes what I want happens, sometimes it doesn’t, sometimes later. Try it sometime.

          • Avatar Becca

            I would like to point out that I’ve made an effort to be courteous with my words online. Please keep in mind that there is another real person with thoughts, feelings and emotions on the other side of the screen. Snarky, derogatory, slighting, and mean spirited sarcastic comments can be hurtful. Again, I’ve tried to be kind and courteous with my comments to you, please extend that same courtesy to me. Signing off for now,

            ~Becca

          • Avatar A.Grace

            I agree with Becca. She did nothing to deserve these words from you. As a commenter you are supposed to follow this site’s rules, regardless of your stand spiritually.

            I am praying for you. It’s my choice so don’t bother telling me not to. There’s a better life and I’m sorry you’ve been held captive by lies that tell you otherwise. Needless to say, you’ve come to the right place.

            Becca, just that you have been found in Him is commendable. Sometimes the conversation just has to end. Let Him do the heart changing.

            A.Grace 😉

          • Avatar Jj

            I know you don’t see it but God is the only one who can change some things. Will praying to your cat save someone with terminal cancer? No, but God has and God sometimes will do that. Your cat is powerless but our God is sovereign and more powerful than anyone or anything.

          • Avatar A.Grace

            Becca praying for you! Keep up the good work, seeking Him online and off.

            A.Grace

          • Avatar Becca

            Thank you:) The encouragement means so much to me:)

          • Avatar Jj

            When He “gave us the ability to sin” He was letting you choose whether or not you would love Him. Adam and Eve chose against that by sinning. We too can choose whether to be lost in the cycle of sin OR to be made holy by a God who loves us. Freedom can only be found in a good God.

            But there is most definitely an appeal to do what we want. I am so sorry you have seen the church – something God intended to be different – as something horrible. Christians mess up, too, but we are being changed.

    • Avatar Fran

      reincarnation was considered when the churches was formed it lost out

      http://www.tertullian.org/rpearse/nicaea.html

      some Christians believe in reincarnation you sound more like an agnostic

    • Paula Marsteller phendricks

      Hey, Caitriona, You’re welcome here. While my statement may have been a bit broad and might not perfectly characterize all self-professed atheists, Romans 1 tells us that we’re ALL God-haters (whether we claim to be atheists or not), and we suppress the truth about Him in our unrighteousness.

      I was a God-hater, too, until God revealed His lovingkindness to me in Christ Jesus paying the penalty for my sin so I might be set free from being a slave to my own selfish passions and might become His beloved, adopted daughter.

      This is a bit off topic, but would you be bold enough to ask God to reveal Himself to you if He really is real? And . . . would you be open to picking up a Bible and reading the book of Romans, or John?

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing,

      paula

    • Avatar Jesusfreak17

      Hi, everyone else pretty much covered what I would say but I wanted to thank you for your comment! It’s great to hear different perspectives, especially your very respectfully written one. Praying that someday you’ll encounter the love of God– seriously it’s the best thing on the planet! I can’t imagine what I would do without God’s love with me everyday, so I really hope you’ll be willing to give Him a chance at some point.

  4. Avatar Fran

    More Christians need to explain to the kids on why it is so important that their mate be equally yoked with them.

  5. Avatar CyberEmpress (SD)

    I like how the article is very expressive over the idea. But there are things contradicting I believe. Christ himself was the one who made friends and brought followers by first accepting as who they are. Also as a person who read the bible in order, from what I concluded where God asks – many times – not to be with people who are not believers during the time people are not confident of their beliefs. We all remember in most common example, in exodus after all their prayers answered by their God against Egyptians, they still worshipped to a golden statue.
    I think the actual standing point is, how confident you are in your beliefs. Are you challenging this precious person to understand you more? We all know it’s not a short way. I am converted to Christianity unlike many of you who born into family of christians. I was born into Islam, gave up, stood as Theist several years, during my questions and seeing changes Christ made in my family, I decided to understand. I started reading the bible then, was hard i must say. There are many things to judge with mind free of religions. But it’s a challenge i took to understand my healing family and society.
    In a crude explanation, I found the opinion of Atheism very Shallow here. If we keep classify people as Atheist and stay away from them, how can we follow actual example of Christ. That’s simply get us back to Romans. Atheism is denial of God, due to not seeing his presence. Not giving a chance to understand it. It’s found to be one sort of freedom. People are not like in movies. Villains and heroes do not exist.
    Also what is love? Is it tangible? Can it be shaped? Can it be directed? Not really. Love is something makes us human. There is no limits of it. But Marriage is sexual relationship and construction of family as described in bible. There were no white dressed, flower background, priest acceptance wedding. Maybe they put some spicy oil on you and told you’re a family now.

    When you have the responsibility of a family, then you start to shape your life according to your beliefs. Also at this point, life of christ will be noticed as the most secure way of keeping your family together. Atheism doesn’t bring destruction on its own. Atheism is the absence of God. But God brings peace. If God is absent in your life, you won’t have any peace through living in a world he created. Human created things have limits.

  6. Avatar Allie

    This is a good thing for us girls to think!

    I´d like to share that when I became a Christian 8 years ago, I had been dating an atheist guy for 3 years. I loved him! I wanted him to trust Christ, of course, I tried to persuade him, I talked to him a lot about God, and I even gave him a Bible.

    A part of me wanted to be with him, so he had to become a Christian; the other part of me was really concerned about his eternal destiny.

    But, though Christ was friend with sinners, he wasn´t so close to them. He was there just to give them what they needed, when they needed it, he was there to serve; but he was not expecting to hear their wisdom, or to receive something from them. I, wanted to be accepted and loved by this guy, I wanted to listen to him, to understand him, though I wanted to help him I was in a vulnerable position. And the flesh is weak.

    The Lord convinced me that I had to flee. That I had to love Him more than him, and just pray for this guy´s salvation if it was what a really cared about.

    Flee! After 3 years of dating it wasn´t easy but it saved me from heartache, confussion, immorality. Flee! And run to the arms of Jesus. Make Him your shelter, swim in His precious Word, and pray the Psalm 19.

    I know how it feels, but I can tell you that I´m thankful that the Lord convinced me and helped me. And PRAY! You cannot do it yourself; I always think that when a girl is in love there is no human power able to change her feelings, so you need supernatural power, ask Him to guide you, strengthen you, to give you love for Him, to make you thirsty of His Word. He is the One “who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose”

    I´ll pray for the girls who have this struggle!

  7. Avatar MGD

    I understand that a Christian should not date / long to date / marry a non-Christian or an atheist. But one thing I’ve been struggling with recently is the topic of dating someone who is a Christian but isn’t necessarily on fire for God. Over the past few months, God has really been showing me who He is and I’ve been growing a lot in my faith and trust in Him. I don’t remember having such a strong passion and belief that God is real and all-powerful and so, so good. And if I do date, I want it to be God-honoring. I like this guy, and I’m in high school, and I want to make good decisions, though I know the guy isn’t the best or strongest Christian. Thoughts / advice?

    • Avatar Jesusfreak17

      It’s probably not “wrong” per say to like or date him but the real question is “is it wise?” Is having a romantic relationship with him going to be helpful and God-honoring? Or will it be the opposite?
      Also, is having a dating relationship in high school wise at all? The percentage of people who actually marry people the knew/dated in high school is like 3%!
      Just my opinion. I hope it helps (and makes sense…)

    • Avatar CT

      I could write a lot on this topic, but I’ll give you two concise points to think about:

      – A good Christian friend of mine once said, “I want to marry a guy whose faith is strong and not dependent on mine.”

      – There is a difference between people who profess to be Christians but really are just like anyone else, who simply stick on a label of Christianity. I call them so-called (but not really) Christians. I’m not saying that this guy is like this but just wanted you to be aware, in case you aren’t. Then there’s people whose actions show that they truly are Christians before they even say it with their mouth. Once you get to know them, you can clearly tell that their faith is real.

    • Avatar Isabella Jo

      The Bible is very clear on the role men have compared to women. Men are the spiritual leaders in the relationship. Women are submissive to their leadership. (Ephesians 5) So, if he isn’t capable (yet) to lead you both closer to Christ, it may not be a safe relationship. It could slow you down from pursuing God even more. He needs to grow more on his own without having a pretty girl “in the way” ;).

  8. Avatar Kelli

    Despite any romantic notions that we can change a person, we can’t. Been there. Done that. It doesn’t matter if they are an atheist, agnostic, “bad boy”, or addict. The only one that can change the heart of a person is God (Ezekiel 36:26-27). Willing entering into these kinds of relationships will bring about more pain than you know. Especially, if you are considering marriage with an unbeliever. Jesus never promises sunshine and lollipops when we enter into a relationship with him, but the reward will be sweeter than anything we can imagine. I pray that the young women of today who know Jesus Christ will seek out godly wisdom from someone in their church when they are facing the struggles that come their way.

  9. Avatar John Cook

    Paula,
    Great advice! You gave her sound advice I wish I heard a long time ago! My advice to this young lady, is this relationship won’t work. How do I know? Because I been there. To this young lady, I say sister wait for God to bring you the One He has for you. If you tie the knots with him, you can’t untie the knot but stay with him as 1 Corinthians 7:10-16 states. Once you divorce him, you should remain as you are. My sister, I want to spare you the pain that I went through, and when you wait for God’s best, He will give you best blessing you could ever ask for! There are many single Godly men waiting for someone like you if you trust Him simply and foremost!

    Great message Paula!

    Blessings,

    John

  10. Avatar Bookworm1

    Great advice! 😉 but I admit if I was in her shoes I’d find that REALLY hard to do – just walk away… because it IS hard but I guess that shows we have to sometimes work hard to be the person God wants us to be!

  11. Avatar Margaret

    Hi. I married an unbeliever just six or so months after getting saved. The Holy Spirit I could feel was telling me not to go that path, but I did not listen and he was right. He showed me that it would pull me down spiritually and that I was not strong enough. I definitely did not see how far I drifted away from God and started loving the world. Years after we got married I started to Pursue God after not for a while. This was terrible. So much conflict in the family and lots of mockery. I never in my wildest dreams thought that my heart would turn from God, but it did. And so now we are divorced and everything that I attained from that marriage is completely gone except for my precious daughters. Yeah I would run from that situation as quick as you can. You don’t want to experience the sorrow that could happen. Its awful. Pray the Lord would graciously give you more passion to follow him with your whole heart…

    • Paula Marsteller phendricks

      I’m so sorry, Margaret.

      You didn’t mention anything about this, but just in case you’re feeling this, please know that you don’t have to work to get back into God’s good graces–it was always only grace through faith in Christ alone that gave you His favor. Rom. 8:1. 🙂

      Also, don’t underestimate how He will use your story to help warn other girls. I heard a pastor recently talk about God turning our mess into our message.

      Mostly, keep pursuing Him wholeheartedly, and may He satisfy you every morning with His love.

      Blessings,

      paula

    • Avatar Margaret

      Thanks for this encouraging message. Yes I do struggle with that very thing allot, and he is using me already to warn my sisters. I am so thankful he is so good to do the things we are so incapable of doing. Blessings to you and your ministry! I love reading your blogs.

  12. Avatar Karen

    Paula, great advice. She needs to “flee”. She must have doubts, because she emailed you.

  13. Avatar Anonymous

    Great advice, Paula. I too, would say, “Flee!” And don’t put it off a single day!! I was stupidly seeing an unbeliever many years ago, and what put me in a non-thinking frame of mind was his persistence in pursuing me and always flattering me. He wasn’t an atheist, but he wasn’t far from it.
    I knew what his intentions were, and I foolishly went along with it for awhile. The bucket of ice water came big time–you could say I had an epiphany—and I dropped the guy friend. It was really awkward because he lived near my apartment. God in His mercy, had another plan for me. I repented of seeing this guy and I told my best friend of the relationship. The guy moved out of state and I met an incredible godly man the following year. We have been married for over ten years. And yes, I told my husband before we were married that I really blew it with the”almost atheist” that I had been seeing.
    To my dear single sisters—-NO good can come out of you forming a relationship with an atheist, agnostic, or anyone who doesn’t take a relationship with our Lord seriously and doesn’t truly “walk the talk”. G-E-T a life and flee!

  14. Avatar Tumi M

    I think I also needed this. I’m seeing someone who hates the idea of church and disapproves that I put Christ and kingdom work before him. I’ve been praying for him to seek God and for his salvation, but I can’t change a man, only the love of God can and he is not willing to let God into his life. My efforts have evidently been very futile.
    A few days ago, I had decided that I’m going to “flee” as well, but I needed some reassuring and now having read this post, that is exactly what I am going to do. My relationship with the Lord is the most important relationship I’ll ever have.

    • Paula Marsteller phendricks

      Oh, Tumi, I am so, so glad to hear that. Praying for you now! Feel free to let me know how it goes.

      • Avatar Nikolai

        People should be free to love who they feelost happy with.
        Falling in love with an atheist girl wasn’t awful, but lovely. Even though we had different views, she cared for me deeply

  15. Avatar Nikki M.

    I have to disagree with this whole article. When my ex boyfriend and i started dating I was die-hard pagan and he is a very strong Christian man. I lost my faith as a teenager during an extremely difficult battle with depression and swore that I would never be Christian again. During my relationship with my boyfriend I was very honest with my beliefs, just as he was with his. He never pushed me to change my beliefs, but he did show me how God worked in his life daily and spoke about God like they were best friends. He was very patient and waited for me to suggest that we go to church. This man took my hand and led me back to God just by his actions, without preaching or pushing. I am still growing in my walk with God, and have regular stumbles, but, if a Christian man had ran from me when he found out I was pagan, I would still be pagan. God puts us in peoples lives for a reason. This young lady should speak with God and listen to what He has to say. It may be her job to help this man find God, it may not. That if for her to discuss with God.

    • Avatar aliyah

      I think God will lead in different circumstances. In your case, praise God he didn’t flee from you. In other cases, it’s really good that someone would flee.

      • Avatar Nikki M

        I’m not saying she shouldn’t flee, I’m saying she should speak with God about what to do. This may be a case of temptation or it could be God putting her in the right place at the right time to bring someone else to him. We have no way of knowing.

    • Paula Marsteller phendricks

      Dear Nikki,

      Thanks for sharing your story. I’m so grateful for God’s grace in your life. His grace is never limited. He gives us His commands for our good, but that doesn’t mean He won’t work in grace to bring a person to redemption. I’m so happy to hear He did just that for you!

      paula

  16. Avatar Hannah

    I am in a somewhat similar position, a guy I met through work has been intensely pursuing me since we met. I kept refusing because he is not a christian but finally I gave in and we have been dating for a few months. However I told him we could never be serious because he is not a christian so he said he is willing to try going to church. I just wondered if this is worth it because he pursues me so intently but I wonder, Would God allow an unsaved man to be so interested in me?!

    • Paula Marsteller phendricks

      Dear Hannah,

      Just because God is sovereign, doesn’t mean He approves of everything that happens in your life! Check out what’s recorded in the Bible, and that will be clear.

      I have a close friend whose boyfriend pursued her intently and started going to church with her. Now that they’re married, he no longer goes, and their marriage is horrible. For your sake, I want to plead with you to call it off with him. Then give him a couple years and see if he continues to pursue God or not when you’re not in the picture.

      Hope this helps,

      paula

    • Avatar Jae

      You know people lie to get what they want from someone…right?

    • Avatar Kerro

      You can be an immoral person and be Atheist or Christian.

  17. Avatar Nikolai

    People should be free to love who they feelost happy with.
    Falling in love with an atheist girl wasn’t awful, but lovely. Even though we had different views, she cared for me deeply•

  18. Avatar Angie

    I loved this article! I think people have mixed feelings about this article and might even misunderstand it. I totally get where you are coming from. My youth group began playing ultimate Frisbee as a way to get the youth and other unsaved teens and young adults to interact. We would talk about God and invite the lost to come to church. I met a guy who wasn’t saved and he began playing ultimate frisbee with us. He began showing an interest in me. I thought he was handsome but I knew he wasn’t saved so in my head, I thought that I was going to help him to get saved and to start coming to church. In my head, I thought that I could change him. My feelings grew deeper for him and I soon realized that I wasn’t going to be able to change him. He continued with his old ways. I was left broken and he never got saved. I think the point of this article is to help young women not get hurt from relationships that are unequally yoked. God loves us and doesn’t want us to get hurt and that’s why the bible says to not be unequally yoked. God wants to save us from the heartache. God wants the very best for his children so why try to go after something that isn’t his best. Be patient and pray! Temptations and loneliness can be strong but stay close to God. It’s almost like God wants to give us a saved Godly man (a diamond) and we rather fall in love with a man who isn’t saved (a plastic diamond). I don’t know about you but I don’t want to fall in love with someone who isn’t saved because I might regret it down the years when he tries to keep you from going to church. I don’t want to go to church alone! I want my saved husband to go with me and be by my side. I don’t want us to fight over what religion we should teach our children.

  19. Avatar Angie

    A lot of people think that once we get to heaven, there won’t be any tears. Once you go to heaven, you will notice if your unsaved loved one isn’t there in heaven with you. “And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, “Behold, the
    tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they
    shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and
    He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer
    be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain;
    the first things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4
    The verse says: “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes.” My pastor preached on this and I have read this in my amplified bible. You will notice if your unsaved loved one isn’t in heaven with you. You will shed tears and God will wipe them and comfort you. The pain will be terrible to get to heaven and realize your unsaved husband isn’t there with you.

  20. Avatar Jae

    Being honest– you need to get away from this guy. Men’s views of relationships are far different than what women think. Most likely he is saying this to see if he can get any further with you (physically). You might think he has the best of intentions and cares about you, but please do not believe it. I’ve seen enough people pretend to be “Christians” just so they could get laid and use someone.

    • Avatar Keith Delk

      Reading this made my stomach churn. I’m one of these guys and am dating a woderful woman who has returned to her faith stronger than ever. I don’t label myself but I would say humanist is the closest thing. We both used to have a physical and emotional relationship until recently she decided to stop and put God first. I completely respected that and am even loving her more than ever. I want to spill my heart to her and am willing to sacrifice the physical bond we had to focus on strengthening our emotion and her spiritual wellbeing before exploring that area again, which won’t be until after marriage. I want to be her biggest supporter as I know I cannot lead on the spiritual side of things.

      • Paula Marsteller phendricks

        I respect your honesty and your willingness to abstain until after marriage for your girlfriend’s sake, Keith.

  21. Avatar Bit-embarrased

    Whew!!! Rough stuff…

    My childhood to date crush isn’t an atheist. He has backslidden and that isn’t any better, I know. He believes that God is real and God is God but my friend doesn’t follow, seek after, and or long to please my Father. I don’t see him but about two or three times a year bc I moved. We are tight though in a weird sort of way. He can read me like a book and trusts me beyond belief. When we get together, it’s like I was never gone.

    I have loved this man for seven years. He has never returned with the same kind of love. He loves me like a sister, but I would marry him if he would ever give his heart and soul to Jesus. I don’t talk to him unless I am in front of him. But I Love him!!

    I have this weird peace. I honestly feel like I am supposed to wait for him to find Christ. I refuse to be close to him right now but I just feel like I am supposed to wait. Some people tell me that’s crazy…and I feel crazy. What if I never get married cause I am waiting for a man who has never even acknowledged that I exist, like that anyway…???? but I feel so strongly that that is what I am supposed to do. Wait.

    Thoughts? ?

    • If I may be blunt here, please know these words come from my heart. Could it be that your hope for a relationship with this guy is “false hope”? You say that he has never indicated an interest in you beyond sisterly friendship. For you to keep hanging onto the hope that it will become something more may be something that isn’t wise as it could easily lead to covetousness and idolatry.

      Yes, you should “wait” for him to return to Christ – not for the purpose of marriage but for the purpose of his eternal salvation. So please continue to pray for his salvation. Could it be that God is saying “wait” to you in a different context – in regards to someone else He is planning to bring along?

      The important thing for you to be doing right now is personally growing in your relationship with God. As you focus on Scripture, prayer and service to others, you can be assured He will use every situation in your life to prepare you for what only He knows is ahead for you. You can trust Him with your heart and your future, my friend! I know it’s hard to wait. But waiting for God’s best for your life will be something you will never regret! Praying for you this morning, friend!

      • Avatar Bit-embarrassed/regretful

        Umm, thanks. I think… I can’t decide whether I feel insulted or encouraged, hmm. I will think on it.

        • My heart was not to insult you at all, my friend, but to point you to Christ and to encourage you to search your heart to make sure that Christ is the center and not this guy. Please know that my comments come from my concern for you.

          • Avatar Bit-embarrassed

            I apologize. I asked for an opinion. I should have simply accepted it. I appreciate your heart ma’am 🙂 I appreciate this blog and this site very, very much!

  22. Avatar Oleksandra

    Please pray for me. I’m falling in a love with a colleague and he seems to like me, too. We often go for a walk after work together and I just can’t resist the desire to see him and talk to him. He knows I’m a believer (Catholic) and seems to treat it with respect but I remember that he once said he didn’t care what would happen after we die and that he was just trying to enjoy life…….
    Yesterday we were walking home from work and he suggested we drop by a Catholic church in the neighborhood. We did and I prayed a bit while he looked around. He made the sign of the cross when we entered the church so i assume he’s rather agnostic than atheist, but anyway…

    I came to Jesus when I was adult (20-21 y.o.) and I was rather shy so I never made any friends in the churches I attended. It’s really hard for me to talk to strangers and my best friends whom I love very much is an atheist/agnostic. So I’ve just been going to Church on Sundays and foolishly thinking that I wouldn’t fall in love with anyone until I “get ready” to join a worship group in my parish or go on pilgrimage and meet the perfect guy there. “Somewhere and someday”. And here’s what happens…

    Please help me and pray for me. I don’t know how it happened (since I had considered him just as a friend until couple of weeks ago) and I don’t know why I have to experience this in my life. The biggest complication is that since most of the people I know are either non-believers or “Christians but non-church-goers” it’s hard to get any Christian piece of advice from someone who’d really know me for a long time and who’d really understand the situation. Besides, I’ve been thinking – what if God wants me to be a sign for them? What if it’s my vocation – to remind the ones I love of God and to tell them some facts about my faith so they might get interested? (I know it sounds crazy but we do have long talks about religion with my atheist/agnostic best friend). So I really just don’t know what to do and I don’t have the strength to resist my feelings, so please, pray for me and pray for the man I’m falling in love with so God would save us both and get us both out of what He does not want for us.

    Thank you so much!!! Many blessings!!! And have a blessed and fruitful Sunday!!!

    • Avatar Sarah @ Revive Our Hearts

      @Oleksandra… This is going to be very difficult. God’s best for you is to date guys that are committed to Christ. Don’t settle for anything other than God’s very best. God’s commands are always for our good and going against them brings trouble and heartache. The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 6:14 “do not be yoked together with unbelievers. for what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” Then it goes on to say in verse 15b “…what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?”

      The biblical teaching is to not be unequally yoked. This teaches that two people that are committed to center their lives in Christ (which Christians desire to do) have the freedom to date and allow the Holy Spirit to guide them in their relationship. Trust the Lord not only with the moving out of this relationship but with what He has for you in the future. For the Lord honors those who honor Him. (See Isa. 58:13-14)

      Let me encourage you to spend time on your relationship with God. Get into the Word of God, Oleksandra. The joy and peace it gives to know God more intimately surpasses the pull of an unhealthy relationship. Look for relationships in a Christian group that bring refreshment to your life. Is there a Bible Study for young adults you could join? Is there a strong evangelical church in your area with a young adult group?

      I understand your question about whether it is “your vocation” to lead them into truth. I encourage you to take every opportunity to share Christ with your friend; but be assured God would not lead you to do something that He has already said in His Word is not of Him—falling in love with/dating a non-believer.

      I know this is not an easy thing to do. Be assured we have prayed for you. I am praying God will give you the courage and strength to want to do the right thing, and to do the right thing. I pray God will help you, confirm your faith in Him, and confront the young man you are dating with the Gospel, drawing him into a relationship with Christ. I know you desire that so much, and we do too.

      Thank you for giving us opportunity to speak into your life and for the privilege to pray for you. God bless you, for your desire to do what God would have you do.

    • Avatar Jacob Eagleshield

      You are not ‘falling’ for anyone. You have made a decision to be in love with this person.Question is, do you want to love him or save him? Question your own motives.

  23. Avatar bob

    There is nothing wrong with people being in a relationship with an atheist or anything else. I have been an atheist all my life and have been married to a christian woman for 15 years now. Our kids go to church with her and I even like to go to my kids programs at their church. For all you out there with this question on your minds there is nothing wrong with it, if you do not agree then do what you feel is right but I hope you know we are all the same at the end of the day.

  24. Avatar Moriah

    very convicting and helpful. very surprised at some other other comments.. i can’t believe how easily us human beings can be…

  25. Avatar Jacob Eagleshield

    Atheists don’t ‘hate’ the God concept,that is a biased remark. I just don’t give it much thought.

  26. Avatar Celina McCann

    The reason why I gave up religion was because I wanted to dedicate my life to being a good, moral, ethical person –without anything attenuating that. After 9/11, seeing what Faith can lead to, I was through with Faith-Based thinking and immoral teachings.

  27. Avatar shakingmyhead

    Now that’s what i call “Christian acceptance”…. making the poor girl fear her friend just because he doesn’t belive in god you should be ashamed Paula doesn’t the bible teach tolerance of others

  28. Avatar Joe Bigliogo

    “An atheist, on the other hand, denies that God even exists. An atheist hates the very idea of there being a God.”

    This is fractally wrong on so many levels and a profoundly ignorant mischaracterization of Atheists.

    Firstly atheists by and large do not “DENY that God exists” rather they REJECT theist claims for the existence of god(s) as not having met their burden of proof. Nor does atheism imply hatred of “the idea of there being a god”. Atheism is a position that addresses only the question god’s existence, Atheism is not the subjective preference for or against god. Christians on the other hand in the majority of cases who hold a tremendous emotion stake in their beliefs. The notion that their beliefs are false would be too upsetting for them to contemplate. They simply could not bear their carefully structured world view to be exposed as delusion or fraud.

    Some years ago at an organized atheist/christian debate the atheist presenter asked the Christians audience to raise their hands and then to lower them if they would still hold on to their beliefs if the non-existence of god could actually be demonstrated. Not surprisingly only a few lowered their hands. He then asked atheist audience members to lower their hands if they would still hold their atheist position if God’s existence was actually proven. Every atheist in the room lowered his/her hand.

    This interesting thought experiment plus day to day observation of human nature signals to me that it is religious believers who maintain their beliefs from emotional motives. There’s simply no question in my mind among believers and atheists who possesses the intellectual honesty.

  29. Avatar Melina

    This article makes me feel so hopeless.

    I have been a believer since I
    was about 10 years old. I committed myself to Christ and decided to
    follow Him at all costs. I guess I didnt realise at what cost I will be
    required to pay. As every woman desires, I desired to fall in love, and
    marriage with a good Christian man. But I went to a girls boarding
    school and never met any boys. I left school at 16. Then at university
    in the United Kingdom, I met lots of guys but they were not Christians,
    and I was single throughout. After graduating, I did further studies,
    but never met a Christian guy…you know the idealist Christian guy that
    blogs like these speak about. I am now 33 and the only guys I have ever
    dated have been through work, and I have never met a Christian man at
    work. They have always been atheist. Because I have always had this fear
    and guilt of dating a non Christian, I have never been able to fully
    commit to a non-believing guy.

    Articles like this highlight the
    choice Christian women have to make when they follow Christianity. I
    attend Church and in fact attended a mega Church in London for 7 years,
    but I never met any single Christian men there. All the Church ministry
    activities I did were full of women.
    Men in general just dont seem
    to want to serve in Church here in the UK. I attend a medium church now
    with lots of young single Christians, but there are maybe 100 beautiful
    Christian girls to 10 Christian, God-loving, Bible-believing guys.

    Its
    great for happily married Christian couples in their twenties and early
    thirties shouting dont marry him etc etc, but I am 33 and I have lost
    hope. I am constantly surrounded by Christian WOMEN. NO MEN. Do you have
    any idea how hard it is? I only ever get pursued by non-believing guys,
    because on average, non-believing guys OUTNUMBER believing guys in my
    part of the world. So basically what you are saying to me is that I
    should remain single? My young life is gone, I am still a virgin and I
    am still waiting for this amazing Chrisitian marriage-material man.

    Can
    you see how sad my life is? Can you see? There are 100 christian women
    for every 10 christian guys…can you see that you are telling me to
    remain an umarried virgin for the rest of my life? Is it fair to say
    that maybe if the world was full of Christians, then yes a Christian
    woman should obviously seek out a believer. But the world is full of
    maybe 10% real Christians. The majortiy of people are non-christians or
    non-practising, or agnostic. So in a world like this, what a Christian
    women supposed to do? Remain single and virgin the rest of their lives?
    Has anyone thought about a solution to this?

    • Avatar Joe Bigliogo

      Marry a non-Christian. When someone tells you you can’t have a fulfilling marriage to a non-christian or atheist or that you can’t remain strong in your faith… they are lying. There is nothing wrong with being an atheist and to shun them like lepers because they don’t happen to believe the same bronze age religion as you is a locking you away from a vast potential of excellent people.
      You are 33 and have spend 15 years of your adult life a virgin without a mate. You have bought into the big lie, denied yourself and I’m afraid you have no one to blame but yourself.
      Get out there and fall in love with a wonderful guy and stop worrying about what religion he believes or doesn’t.

      • Avatar Melina

        Hi Joe, thanks for your kind response. are you married to a christian? do you have experience in this area?

        • Avatar Joe Bigliogo

          Yes Melina, I’m married to a Christian woman. Though our marriage isn’t perfect (what marriage is?), we are happy and content. Her faith is in no way diminished for marrying me nor do I stand in her way in her faith journey. In return she doesn’t harass her atheist husband into believing something he cannot. I do however accompany her to church one in a while. Despite our faith differences the love and the marital bond is there every bit as if we believed the same.

    • I hear your pain, Melina! The waiting can be very, very hard. But let me exhort you to not lower your standards. While it would be easy to give in to the world’s standards, God’s ways are always better. Our highest purpose in life is not to be a wife and mother. The highest purpose we can ever hope to achieve is to serve God faithfully where He has us regardless of our circumstances. It’s a learning process just as Paul says in Philippians 4:11-13: “Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

      I know many women who have not followed the Lord’s instructions in Scripture and have married unbelievers. There is indeed a loneliness that far surpasses what you may be experiencing now. Not being one in spirit with your mate is devastatingly lonely.

      The only One who can fill the void you feel in your life is Jesus Christ. Run to Him, Melina! Pour out your heart, your dreams and your desires to Him and then surrender them all to Him choosing to entrust your heart and your future to Him.

      Then I challenge you to look around you. Where can you serve Him with all your heart as you wait for Him to reveal the plan He has for you? Will you pour your life into the lives of others? As you reach out to others focusing on meeting their needs rather than what you don’t have, you will find that He will fill the void in your life with His presence and His peace in the midst of your circumstances. In doing this you will begin to live your life with an eternal focus rather than a focus on the here and now. I’m praying for you right now, Melina! Stay in the Word, my friend. It will keep you anchored to the heart of God!

      • Avatar Melina

        Thank you for your kind response. I am trying to pour myslef into helping others but its so hard with this burden in my heart. I wish I understood what you mean about Jesus filling the void in my heart. I really wish I did, because I am already a Christian, and have been for over 20 years. But thank you for your response I am hoping that Jesus will have mercy on me soon. I think this issue is between me and Him. But I wanted to put this question out there because the Church seems to avoid the anguish and pain than people experience on a daily basis. I wish these complex topics were highlighted more often.

        • Yes, Melina, I do think this may be an issue between you and God. It may be an issue of trust and of surrender. You would be wise to follow Daniel’s example as he faced his “worse case scenario” in Daniel 3:17-18. We know that God has the ability to bring you a godly spouse, Melina. He is all-powerful. But even if that’s not what He does, will you still choose to love and serve God? He loves you far more than you can imagine. He always has your best at the center of His love for you. While choosing to follow your own heart and choose outside of His will may seem the only way for you, it will bring far more grief and pain than you are experiencing now.

          Having the support of an older godly woman in your life would be a blessing to you. Would you pray about who to speak to about your situation and the pain you carry? She could encourage you, pray for you, keep you pointed to Christ. Perhaps you can join together with some other women and do a Bible study so that your emotions are kept in line with Scripture. If you don’t know of anyone, would you speak to your pastor to see if he would suggest someone?

          I’m praying, Melina! As I was praying today, these broadcasts from Revive Our Hearts came to my mind. Would you take time to listen and pray through this?

          Ask Nancy: How to Control Runaway Emotions: http://tinyurl.com/pz6ccrt and

          Singleness: Burden or Blessing: http://tinyurl.com/phq3nle

          • Avatar Keith Delk

            “so that your emotions are kept in line with Scripture”… You’re speaking to melinda in a way that there’s a guidebook on how she must live her life. She’s a human being… not someone under cluthces of something bigger.

  30. Avatar Adam

    I don’t know what baffles me more; the fact that this was written, or the fact that people actually takes this lady’s terrible advice.

  31. Avatar AlreadyInLoveWithAnAtheist

    Some girls meet blossoming oak trees of men, deeply rooted in strong and unbreakable faith. Good for them. To some of us, thought, we are given the seeds that we must plant.
    As a young Christian woman who is strong in my faith, I of course imagined myself with a man who also loves the Lord. One day though, in the way ONLY God can bring two strangers together, I met my boyfriend. Raised a Christian but intelligent and analytical to a fault, he has chosen (for now) to side with science and be an agnostic. I pray for him and will openly talk about spirituality. And as frustrating as it is, my faith has grown STRONGER during our relationship. I pray more often, I reflect more often, I see the Lord through a different lens than I did and believe with 100% certainty that God has a plan for us. And here’s something else…the devil WANTS us to doubt that God has a plan that we cannot see and WANTS us to lose hope that our loved ones will come to Christ, we become challenged by doubt just as they do. Instead of unholy doubt, I have Christian FAITH that my boyfriend I care about so dearly (whose heart I can see has already been softened during our time as a couple) then I trust God will do his will. We cannot see the bigger picture, we do not know His plans. I believe my boyfriend is someone God put in my life, made for me, and only I can know that. There are Christian men that lie and cheat as well as nonbelievers who are devoted and loyal. I cannot leave someone I love and whose heart and more importantly, soul I care about simply because he isn’t at this moment in the big picture, a believer. It’s unfair to paint a broad brush of “date a Christian man” because God sees the HEART of a man not what the world sees. Sometimes men who appear to be perfect Christian men (as I’ve seen with friends) are NOT. A Godly woman is strong enough to keep a relationship on the right path and with Him I choose to have faith in His plan not doubt. How sad would it be if He chose to give up on us if we strayed…I will not do that to the boy I love and share my life with. Who am I to question the Creator of heaven and earth’s plan???

    • Our hearts are deceitful above all things (Jer. 17:9). Our emotions cannot lead our decisions because they will lead us down a path that God may not have for us. God does search our hearts and He does not want anyone to perish and all to come to repentance (2 Pet. 3:9). He does love your boyfriend and wants him to return to Christ in repentance and salvation.

      When we marry, we become one with our mates and that is not just physically but also emotionally and spiritually. God designed marriage to be a visible reminder of the pure love that Christ has for the church. He has a much bigger plan for our marriages than we can ever even imagine.

      It is important to remember that God will never lead us to do something that He specifically tells us in the Bible not to do. He specifically says in 2Corinthians 6:14 “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?”

      Would you check out this post?

      Is it okay to date non-Christians? https://liesyoungwomenbelieve.com/is-it-okay-to-date-non-christians-2/

      Our team is praying for you and asking the Lord to give you much wisdom and discernment.

      • Avatar AreadyInLove

        That verse is way too vague and is not necessarily talking about marriage or dating. We are “yoked” to friends, coworkers, family members, I don’t know what He meant with that verse but its not a strong enough argument and I believe God wants me to be with this person. We are never truly equally yoked, one person is usually just a better Christian, smarter, kinder, etc.

      • Avatar Joe Bigliogo

        You must realize that the data show there are far more Christian women than Christian men. That means there is simply not enough Christian men to go around for every Christian woman who want’s to marry one. What do you propose the left out women do? Stay single?, marry each other? Given that studies tell us mixed faith relationships can and do result in successful and loving marriages I think the answer is easy. There are many factors that make for a happy and fulfilled marriage that are far more important than religious belief. For example, let’s say your choice is between an atheist man who is kinder, more thoughtful, considerate, responsible, interesting and just plain fun to be around, and a Christian man who’s irritable, impatient, prone to fits of temper and abuse. Surely common sense dictates your choice of who to spend the rest of your life with weighs heavily in favour of the atheist.
        Having a single minded fixation on your potential mate’s religious convictions with no thought given for other qualities that make for a healthy relationships is a recipe for a unhappy life.

  32. Avatar Zac

    The title of the website is ironic when you see that, really, the author has just traded one lie for another. This post is full of innaccuracies.

    I’ll admit that she’s right about choosing between god and the man, since a real christian wouldn’t really be in a relationship with an atheist. At least, not a healthy one. Personally, I believe such a relationship would be a living nightmare for the Atheist in general.

    That being said, saying that Atheists hate the idea of there being a god is just false generalization. That’s a lie, and lying is a sin. Doesn’t that make you a sinner?

    But you’re still just going to sit up here and give people advice?

    This is exactly why I hate Religion. It’s a brainwashing technique to keep people in line with the governments desires, and it doesn’t even work. Not only are you pretty much ruining a young lady’s life if she takes this advice, but you yourself are a hypocrite who is actively going against your teachings.

  33. Avatar David Rausch

    I strongly believe that is’t wrong to define a relationship between a Christian and non-Christian as “incompatible”. As someone who got over stuff like that a while ago, and as someone who defines themselves as religiously ambitious, I’d like to think that the awesome Christian girl I’m currently wooing can respect my views, as I respect hers, and we can just go on with our lives, reading good books, playing video games and enjoying life. Sincerely, someone who thinks they’ve figured it out

  34. Avatar Joe Bigliogo

    “Atheists hate the idea of there being a god”
    When was the last time you went up to a child who just figured out Santa Clause isn’t real, and asked… Why do hate the idea of there being Santa Clause?

  35. Avatar Me

    Atheists don’t hate God or the idea of their being one. You don’t hate the Flying Spaghetti Monster because you don’t believe in him. I’m sure everyone would love the idea of a god and jesus because they could live forever in paradise, atheists just don’t think it is true. My girlfriend is a Christian I’m an atheist, so what, religion should never get in the way of love.

  36. Avatar Bitch Please

    The Author is nothing but another brain washed fool.. How can you really say about athiests like that.. You need to grow up even as a human first.. How about eat something healthy..you will start to think better then.. Religions are just trademarking for customer(fools) like some people i saw here.. dont consider my comment rude too.. Try to live as human.. you arent an angel.. you arent devil too.. Be a Human!! (with a small brain if can)

  37. Avatar Greg

    It’s really sad that there are people left in the world who think this way…It’s even more sad that they are the majority of thinking people.

  38. Avatar Liza MorelGoddess

    Mom was an atheist and dad a Christian. They were married for over 56 years and never had an argument about their differences. They gave us the full experience of education without bias…science and Catechism and allowed us the freedom of their love with any choice we might make. They adored each other. FYI two kids…one agnostic and one atheist.

  39. Avatar madison ma

    I’m an atheist and my boyfriend is a Christian. We have only discussed this once, but did not argue about it. Also, do not HATE the very idea of there even being a god, I just don’t believe in one. I’m very respectful of other religions, so do not say that all atheists think that way, when in reality, most do not.

  40. Avatar sara

    I feel sorry for both you and this person who advises against loving both man & earth unconditionally. Christianity is about the most selfish hateful divisive an destructive force on Earth. Im sorry for all of you. Its sad.

    • Avatar Keith Delk

      I’d have to agree… Who is this blogger to tell a woman that a man she has grown fond of is not God’s plan? God is supposed to have his children love unconditionally and lead happy lives. This is just blasphemous. Not all atheists hate the fact that people believe in god. Its just like how some Christians rub god in everybody’s faces while others wait for people to come.

    • Avatar Kate

      Sara, if you didn’t like what this woman blogged, don’t read he blogs. If the man this girl is falling for does not share her faith now, then God possibly has someone else for her.

  41. Avatar Samantha

    Thank you very much for your wise words. This is a great reminder that God has someone planned for my life and I am to give my heart to Him while He writes my love story. I know that if the man God has planned for me is an atheist right now, that God will change His heart before our love story begins. I know that dating is not a missions field and when I try to interweave my life with a unbeliever, I will be the one dragged down into sin and destruction. If I truly feel that God has this person planned for me, I have faith to know that He will change their heart before I even have to worry. My GOD IS GOOD!!! He loves me so much more than any man ever will; even if he is a Christian man. I am praying for all my dear sisters who are currently dealing with this. I love you all, and more importantly, He loves you. Don’t worry; He wants to write your love story. Just hand Him the pen.

    • Avatar Kate

      GOD BLESS YOU SAMANTHA! Your reply to Paula’s wonderful post made me think of a Christian guy friend. I won’t say his story, because it’s not my place, but if anyone were to meet him now, they’d never guess the struggles he’s been through.

    • Avatar Marchingt9

      This here is truly lies young women believe right here

  42. Avatar Noah Brennan

    I’m truly disgusted by you. I’m an atheist, and I just got finished having to argue with my girlfriend because I don’t believe in God. It is not your right to tell people who they can and can’t love. Isn’t love one of the most common themes in scripture, isn’t it the ultimate goal? Why is it then, that my girlfriend can’t love me fully just because of what I believe? Why is she being held back from happiness, because your text tells her I’m a bad person? What kind of God would advocate that?? She’s told me that I’m the only guy (among many Christians she’s dated) that makes her feel happiness. (Which is huge for someone who has dealt with as much as she has)
    I’ve been helping to battle her chronic depression, but for what? So God can tell her that I wasn’t right all along? I don’t think you people understand how corrupt you are, but you’re ruining lives. Take a step back and ask yourself “Is taking away someone’s happiness a Christian thing of me to do?” The answer is no. I’m sure you would love to hurt the feelings of an atheist like me, but I hope you know there’s a poor girl out there that will never find true love because the guy who cherishes her doesn’t share the same beliefs. Great work.

  43. Avatar Michael Asbury

    this columnist is most likely single, and giving advise that’s absurd. love who you want, I’m an atheist but I know that ” jesus ” (if he was at all real) believed that in heaven no one will be married. read your book people, quickest way to become atheist.

    • Paula Marsteller phendricks

      Actually, Michael, I’m happily married. 🙂

      And the reason there will be no marriage between humans in heaven is because God designed marriage as a faint reflection of the ultimate wedding/marriage: between Jesus and His people. The intimacy we can know with another human here and now is nothing compared to the intimacy we will know with the One we were ultimately created for.

      Blessings,

      paula

      “’Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (Eph. 5:31-32).

  44. Avatar Kit

    This is some real crap. I’m a proud atheist(converted myself from Catholic), and yet my boyfriend is a proud christian. I will admit that his religion interferes greatly with a few things(such as him having to wait until marriage for sex, while I would be fine doing it anytime if he asked) but I love him enough to look past it all and just deal with it. He loves me enough to look past my disbelief in his religion.
    I still go to his church events, even though I think every word is a lie, because I value our relationship more that my beliefs(or lack thereof).

    We’ve been dating for 6 years strong and are waiting on marriage until we are financially well.

  45. Avatar Marchingt9

    This is heartbreaking. Do you not think that atheists do not have feelings too. Imagine finding out that your husband has been faking his Christianity after 8 years just so that he could share his life with the one and only person that he can be himself with in every aspect except one. You’re telling me you would just get up and leave the man you claim to love, have a child with, and were willing the spend the rest of your life with just to save your ever lasting life. That’s not being a good Christan that’s being selfish.

  46. Avatar cyreign

    What a hateful article coated in self-righteousness. So close minded and judgmental…

  47. Avatar Human with Emotions

    Single dirtiest article I have ever read. You should be ashamed of yourself.

  48. Avatar larry bird

    hey paula just commenting to let you know you’re one of the most hateful people ive ever had the displeasure of “meeting”

  49. Avatar court

    You do what you feel is right. I am a Christian was saved when I was 15 raised in a super conservative household, Baptist church and Baptist private school. I still appreciate my back ground, even if it seems strict to others. I’m glad I also stayed open minded. I been married to a atheist for 7 years now, we have children too. I miss him when he goes to work, I never been so happy then the day I knew I loved him led to many more happy days. He is supportive of my love for God, though yes he does not himself believe He does not tell my kids not to believe in God or speak badly about God around us. We have a mutual respect, find out if that is the same with you and him don’t throw it out cause he hasn’t except the gift you have. Everyone is on different journeys of life, we need to respect that not shame them for not being “perfect”. Don’t write him off just yet get to know him first decide if you can both respect and love each other regardless.

  50. Avatar Atheist

    Some aheist’s don’t hate god they just dont belive in any god or religion

  51. Avatar Steven

    Paula the evil that you are spreading is one of the most disgusting thing I have ever seen to come crawling out of a person and across the earth. You clearly have been blinded by hate and sin. Shame on you. It is because of people like you and crap like this that you write that turns people away from christianity and our God. The world is soaked with hate and distrust because of evil. Articles like this are the work of the devil. Your hate and fear and misunderstanding of atheists is the blind ambition that evil uses to draw people father and farther from christ. Shame on you. You know nothing of gods plans for this couple or any couple for that matter. You have no more right to judge people than a worm crawling through the mud. If I had listed to people like you who spew bile at things they do not know of or understand, I would of been robbed of the happiest moments of my life. I am a christian and I have been with an atheist, who is also the love of my life, for a long time and when we met I knew, I knew 100% with out a doubt that this person was supposed to be in my life, I prayed about it I read about it, I cried about it. being with this person has pulled me closer to God, closer than I would of been without them. we continue to grow and share and talk about our different world views and it helps us both to understand one another and speak openly with one another and better understand God. I am writing angry, which explains my insults towards you but but you have misspoke using our Lord and the scripture, based out of your ignorance. I will pray for you and this couple. Do not let evil
    drive you Paula.

    Jeremiah 29:11
    For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.