Warning: Mature content.
You’ll remember from last time that instead of killing myself or diving into the homosexual lifestyle, I chose Christ.
I didn’t choose to become a Christian. (Remember, I already was one.) I chose to let Jesus heal me.
This meant that when I felt lonely, I learned to halt my automatic tendency to imagine how a girl could help this loneliness. Instead, I fell to my knees and imagined my Dearest Friend smiling at me, His arm around me. It wasn’t sexual; it was true friendship. And the best part about this Friend was that He never needed anything from me, and He never left me.
Heather left. Other girls left. Even Matt left.
Jesus stayed. Always. In the middle of the night, He was the one guarding me. When I felt unseen in a large group of people, I experienced His presence with me in the room, affirming me.
I knew God before, but I don’t think I really loved Him until I started to see how much He truly loved me.
It took time to see God differently. And honestly, I can still struggle with viewing Him as a kind and loving God. When I see Him as an angry “sky judger” with lightning bolts, I ask, “God, can You help me to see the real You?” Often, I have to open up Scripture to find verses that show me His tender, loving side.
Heather was a great friend. So was Matt. But they could never be enough to make me feel fully complete inside. I still felt hungry for something more.
I was a believer, so I figured I wasn’t hungry for “Christian stuff.” But I didn’t realize was this—I was missing one of the best parts of being a Christian. What was that? Namely, the fact that Jesus can actually meet my needs. Jesus can actually fill you unlike any other person or thing can. His love completes us.
As I grew deeper in my love for Jesus, I felt more okay being me. I even began to dream again. I was a single college graduate, and I thought I might move to New York and get my master’s degree to teach college someday.
But I sensed God’s hand on my shoulder. “Wait.” He seemed to smile. “I have someone for you.”
That someone was Matt again. God took us apart, cleaned us up, and brought us back together.
And we lived happily ever after, and I never struggled again.
Matt is a wonderful husband, but he doesn’t fix me. Heterosexuality doesn’t fix same-sex desire just like drinking a lot of soda doesn’t fix an alcoholic. You have to fill that desire for same-sex relationships or alcohol with Permanent Love.
See, it’s all the same, dear sisters. Yes, sexual sin hurts us more than other sins because it affects our bodies (see 1 Cor. 6:18–20), but ALL sin begins with us seeking out something or someone to fill the place reserved for Jesus.
And this is bigger than simply becoming a Christian. This is becoming a Christian who depends on Jesus for everything.
It’s a daily, sometimes hourly, struggle. But as we surrender our hearts more and more to this trustworthy Savior, the struggle gets easier. I promise.
(Big sigh) So what do you think? Are you a Christian? Do you struggle with trusting Jesus to meet your core, heart needs? What sorts of people or things do you turn to instead?
I’d love to hear from you!
Talk to you soon!